First scene of "Tying up the tomatoes"
Car interior. Sue sits in the passenger seat, impatiently drumming her fingers on the dash. She wears a winter coat, which she pulls up around her neck.
SUE - (Impatiently to herself) Come on. Come on. We should have left ten minutes ago. What’s
taking so long? (She squirms in her seat some before harrumphing, opening her car door and
stomping to the house door, stage right, calling in) What’s taking so long?
CARL - (Unseen) I’m coming! I’m coming!
SUE - But what’s taking so long? We should have left ten… no, twelve minutes ago!
CARL - I said I’m coming!
SUE - Could you at least give me the keys? It’s freezing in that car. (Keys are thrown from
offstage, which Sue catches.) Thank you! Now hurry up already! (Sue gets back into the car,
turns the key in the ignition, and continues to shiver and pull her coat close as the car warms up.
Carl leaves the house, checks his coat pockets, then runs back offstage.) What is it now?
CARL - (Unseen) I left my wallet in my other coat!
SUE - You’d leave your head if it weren’t stapled to your shoulders! (Carl steps out again, while
shoving a wallet in his pocket, then stops and turns around again.) What now?
CARL - I left my coffee on the counter.
SUE - Leave it! Penny will be calling any minute now wondering where we are.
CARL - You wouldn’t want me falling asleep at the wheel.
SUE - (With a touch of malice) Oh I’ll make sure you don’t fall asleep! Get your butt in this car!
We’re going to a restaurant for God’s sake! You don’t need a coffee for the drive! (Carl rushes
into the driver’s seat.) Did you lock up?
CARL - Of course I locked up. What’s the name of this place? (He puts the car in gear and
backs up, checking behind.)
SUE - Old Huck’s, Amazingly Luscious, Hickory-smoked, Baby Back Ribs.
CARL - (Changes gears and starts driving.) Say what?
SUE - Old Huck’s Amazingly Luscious, Hickory-smoked, Baby Back Ribs.
CARL - That’s a mouthful.
SUE - We’ve gone there for years. Mom and Dad love it. They’ve got the best ribs you’ve ever
tasted, guaranteed.
CARL - That would be easy. I don’t think I’ve ever had ribs. Always wondered what the big deal
about them was.
SUE - Never had ribs! Don’t they serve ribs in New York?
CARL - I’m sure they do. I’ve just never had them. Have you ever had clam chowder?
SUE - Clam chowder. What’s that got to do with…
CARL - (Interrupting) Or a gyro? Or a nice, thin, New York pizza, where you have to fold your
slice in the middle to keep the oil from dripping on your shirt?
SUE - Ew. No. I’ll stick with LaRosa’s, thank you. I don’t feel like ruining my best shirts.
CARL - Just use a lot of napkins, and don’t wear your best shirt.
(Sue’s flip phone rings).
SUE - Hey Penny. (Pauses) No, we just left about five minutes ago. We’re almost to the
interstate. (Pauses) Don’t worry. We still have a half hour until reservation time. (Pauses) We’ll
be there, Sis. Hold your horses. (Hangs up)
CARL - Is she freaking out?
SUE - Of course she is.
CARL - But there’s still a half hour.
SUE - It takes a half hour to get there, even without traffic. Weren’t you in the Army?
CARL - I’m not anymore, and neither is Penny. They said Six o-clock. It’s 5:30, and they’re
already ordering?
SUE - Already being seated. (She pauses) What took you so long anyway?
CARL - I had to tie up the tomatoes. (He signals a turn)
SUE - (Taken aback) Tie up the tomatoes? We don’t have any tomatoes. It’s still winter for
goodness sake.
CARL - (Laughs) No. Not literal tomatoes.
SUE - What other kind are there?
CARL - Figurative tomatoes. (Stops car) We’re to the interstate. When the light changes… north
or south?
SUE - North. It’s in Dayton. Downtown. What on Earth is a figurative tomato?
CARL - When we used to go on trips: Dad, Mom, and all us kids, we were always late.
SUE - Yes. I can see that. There were six of you, right?
CARL - Right. Six kids plus Mom and Dad. It was a chore to get us all in the car. Joe would run
back for his gloves. I would want to finish my TV show. Mom would have some last-minute
casserole to fetch from the oven…
SUE - (Smiles) Yes, I can definitely see that. But what does this have to do with tomatoes. Are
you calling your mom a tomato?
CARL - (Smirks) No. Anyway, on one of these occasions it was particularly bad. Lisa had
to do her hair, then Joe had to run back for his trip activities bag. Mom made a last-minute phone
call. The dog escaped and had to be chased down in the woods. You know the drill.
SUE - Uh huh.
CARL - Finally we were all in the car but Dad. We waited and waited for Dad. And waited, and
waited, and waited, and waited.
SUE - (Blurts out) Alright already! I get it.
CARL - (With a sly grin) And waited. (Sue punches him in the shoulder) He took forever.
Finally he came out of the garden wiping his hands on a rag, walked our way and got in the car.
Mom asked, ‘Where on Earth have you been?’ Dad answered, ‘I had to tie up the tomatoes.’
SUE - So from then on, every last-minute trip-stalling measure for him became… (Sue motions
for Carl to finish the sentence)
CARL - You got it. Tying up the tomatoes.
SUE - This is the exit. Get off here.
CARL - And then?
SUE - Take a right.
CARL - What is that monstrosity?
SUE - That’s an arena, not a monstrosity. Don’t you have arenas in New York?
CARL - Well, yeah. Sorry, I’m just not into sports. Anyway, who plays there?
SUE - UD basketball. They’ll have March Madness games there starting tomorrow.
CARL - March Madness?
SUE - (Stares long and hard at Carl in disbelief before answering) You don’t know what March
Madness is?
CARL - (A little sheepish) Um… I don’t?
SUE - (alarmed and pointing forward) Turn here!
CARL - (Indecisive) Which way?
SUE - (Points wildly right) Across the bridge! To the right!
CARL - (Puts on blinker and turns) Okay! Okay! (Carl drives for a moment in uneasy silence
before asking) So, where do I turn next, before you have another heart attack at a light?
SUE - (Laughs) Right up there, just before the arch for the university of Dayton. Take a left, then
Old Huck’s will be on the left. There’s parking behind the building. I guess
we’re too close. Your college basketball education will have to wait.
Lights off.
SUE - (Impatiently to herself) Come on. Come on. We should have left ten minutes ago. What’s
taking so long? (She squirms in her seat some before harrumphing, opening her car door and
stomping to the house door, stage right, calling in) What’s taking so long?
CARL - (Unseen) I’m coming! I’m coming!
SUE - But what’s taking so long? We should have left ten… no, twelve minutes ago!
CARL - I said I’m coming!
SUE - Could you at least give me the keys? It’s freezing in that car. (Keys are thrown from
offstage, which Sue catches.) Thank you! Now hurry up already! (Sue gets back into the car,
turns the key in the ignition, and continues to shiver and pull her coat close as the car warms up.
Carl leaves the house, checks his coat pockets, then runs back offstage.) What is it now?
CARL - (Unseen) I left my wallet in my other coat!
SUE - You’d leave your head if it weren’t stapled to your shoulders! (Carl steps out again, while
shoving a wallet in his pocket, then stops and turns around again.) What now?
CARL - I left my coffee on the counter.
SUE - Leave it! Penny will be calling any minute now wondering where we are.
CARL - You wouldn’t want me falling asleep at the wheel.
SUE - (With a touch of malice) Oh I’ll make sure you don’t fall asleep! Get your butt in this car!
We’re going to a restaurant for God’s sake! You don’t need a coffee for the drive! (Carl rushes
into the driver’s seat.) Did you lock up?
CARL - Of course I locked up. What’s the name of this place? (He puts the car in gear and
backs up, checking behind.)
SUE - Old Huck’s, Amazingly Luscious, Hickory-smoked, Baby Back Ribs.
CARL - (Changes gears and starts driving.) Say what?
SUE - Old Huck’s Amazingly Luscious, Hickory-smoked, Baby Back Ribs.
CARL - That’s a mouthful.
SUE - We’ve gone there for years. Mom and Dad love it. They’ve got the best ribs you’ve ever
tasted, guaranteed.
CARL - That would be easy. I don’t think I’ve ever had ribs. Always wondered what the big deal
about them was.
SUE - Never had ribs! Don’t they serve ribs in New York?
CARL - I’m sure they do. I’ve just never had them. Have you ever had clam chowder?
SUE - Clam chowder. What’s that got to do with…
CARL - (Interrupting) Or a gyro? Or a nice, thin, New York pizza, where you have to fold your
slice in the middle to keep the oil from dripping on your shirt?
SUE - Ew. No. I’ll stick with LaRosa’s, thank you. I don’t feel like ruining my best shirts.
CARL - Just use a lot of napkins, and don’t wear your best shirt.
(Sue’s flip phone rings).
SUE - Hey Penny. (Pauses) No, we just left about five minutes ago. We’re almost to the
interstate. (Pauses) Don’t worry. We still have a half hour until reservation time. (Pauses) We’ll
be there, Sis. Hold your horses. (Hangs up)
CARL - Is she freaking out?
SUE - Of course she is.
CARL - But there’s still a half hour.
SUE - It takes a half hour to get there, even without traffic. Weren’t you in the Army?
CARL - I’m not anymore, and neither is Penny. They said Six o-clock. It’s 5:30, and they’re
already ordering?
SUE - Already being seated. (She pauses) What took you so long anyway?
CARL - I had to tie up the tomatoes. (He signals a turn)
SUE - (Taken aback) Tie up the tomatoes? We don’t have any tomatoes. It’s still winter for
goodness sake.
CARL - (Laughs) No. Not literal tomatoes.
SUE - What other kind are there?
CARL - Figurative tomatoes. (Stops car) We’re to the interstate. When the light changes… north
or south?
SUE - North. It’s in Dayton. Downtown. What on Earth is a figurative tomato?
CARL - When we used to go on trips: Dad, Mom, and all us kids, we were always late.
SUE - Yes. I can see that. There were six of you, right?
CARL - Right. Six kids plus Mom and Dad. It was a chore to get us all in the car. Joe would run
back for his gloves. I would want to finish my TV show. Mom would have some last-minute
casserole to fetch from the oven…
SUE - (Smiles) Yes, I can definitely see that. But what does this have to do with tomatoes. Are
you calling your mom a tomato?
CARL - (Smirks) No. Anyway, on one of these occasions it was particularly bad. Lisa had
to do her hair, then Joe had to run back for his trip activities bag. Mom made a last-minute phone
call. The dog escaped and had to be chased down in the woods. You know the drill.
SUE - Uh huh.
CARL - Finally we were all in the car but Dad. We waited and waited for Dad. And waited, and
waited, and waited, and waited.
SUE - (Blurts out) Alright already! I get it.
CARL - (With a sly grin) And waited. (Sue punches him in the shoulder) He took forever.
Finally he came out of the garden wiping his hands on a rag, walked our way and got in the car.
Mom asked, ‘Where on Earth have you been?’ Dad answered, ‘I had to tie up the tomatoes.’
SUE - So from then on, every last-minute trip-stalling measure for him became… (Sue motions
for Carl to finish the sentence)
CARL - You got it. Tying up the tomatoes.
SUE - This is the exit. Get off here.
CARL - And then?
SUE - Take a right.
CARL - What is that monstrosity?
SUE - That’s an arena, not a monstrosity. Don’t you have arenas in New York?
CARL - Well, yeah. Sorry, I’m just not into sports. Anyway, who plays there?
SUE - UD basketball. They’ll have March Madness games there starting tomorrow.
CARL - March Madness?
SUE - (Stares long and hard at Carl in disbelief before answering) You don’t know what March
Madness is?
CARL - (A little sheepish) Um… I don’t?
SUE - (alarmed and pointing forward) Turn here!
CARL - (Indecisive) Which way?
SUE - (Points wildly right) Across the bridge! To the right!
CARL - (Puts on blinker and turns) Okay! Okay! (Carl drives for a moment in uneasy silence
before asking) So, where do I turn next, before you have another heart attack at a light?
SUE - (Laughs) Right up there, just before the arch for the university of Dayton. Take a left, then
Old Huck’s will be on the left. There’s parking behind the building. I guess
we’re too close. Your college basketball education will have to wait.
Lights off.